I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Blood and glitter go together right?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
