I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
