Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
