There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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