If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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