Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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