im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
