Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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