wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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