you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
