youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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