i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
