Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
