If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
