omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I fill condoms, not promises.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
