it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
