I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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