It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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