If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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