After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
