Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Houston, we have a blender
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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