after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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