Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
