every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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