The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
