I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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