Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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