This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
