Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
