I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
