Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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