I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
