saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
