I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
