I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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