someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
