My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
