I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
