we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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