I only kidnapped one of them. chill
what day is it and did you see me today?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
