i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Someone signed my nipple.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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