Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
