I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
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