hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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