I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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