Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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