So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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