i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
