Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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