worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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