You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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