I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
