atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
