She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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