Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
